“You can beat a stone to dust, yet you can never cause it to cry out in pain” – C. D. Grant, 2015
The only thing you can hurt, is yourself.
A woman commented to me a few weeks ago, “Young lady, you are always wearing a bright beautiful smile! We never know if you are going through anything, or if you are in pain, because no one ever sees you without a smile.” I just smiled, winked, and kept moving.
The truth is, some days, the reality of life slaps you in the face, and it is impossible to smile around it. Just like the impossibility of causing a stone pain. I simply don’t leave the house those days. I reflect and meditate. I pray while I try to empathize with people in a world that no longer cares. I try not to dwell too long on the fact that forming human connections in a digital world is a useless endeavor, and that moments of shared happiness are dependent upon my digital connection to the rest of the world.
And now, here I sit, staring at the wall that holds those stones that I tried to beat to dust so that I could finally be free. I’m supposed to be writing a research paper right now, but my mind won’t allow me to focus on that particular task. So, here I am, writing to keep the tears at bay. Those tears, my reflections–have absolutely nothing to do with what I am writing today, but then again, perhaps they do.
Those who know me, know that I own terrific nomadic tendencies. However, thinking on my heritage, the nationalities from whence I came, it finally clicked. My ancestors were gypsies, farmers, fishermen, and homesteaders; they traveled with the seasons and made their homes where they landed.
While I am not entirely ‘lonely’, I do miss sharing life with another individual. I miss having friends who share my interests and motivations.
I don’t say this for pity, or sympathy; I’ve just never had a true ‘home’, no place where I felt like I belonged–nowhere to unpack and throw away the boxes (because I never wanted to leave)
But is this pattern really just a part of who I am? Or is it simply because I am human, and cannot ignore that there’s that part of me who wants to find a mate, make a home, and never wander again?
This is just today’s momentary reflection, and I’m not a stone.
But I’ve just worked it out by writing, to be shared with whomever may be out there and reading.
So I’m smiling again, but now I must go write that paper that is due in a few hours.